Friday, September 14, 2007

Healing and breaking

Ian may be coming home this weekend. He is feeding well, and we get to hold him for extended periods of time in the family room, which gives us time to be with him in private. Annie and I feel like we've been holding our breath for the last two weeks. My sister's daughter, Hannah, died inexplicably in her sleep a few years ago (not related to Down Syndrome), so I think that I was preparing myself to deal with Ian slipping away as well. Now that he appears to be healing, I am slowly beginning to feel again. And the life that we face raising Ian is becoming all too real. I oscillate between telling myself that it won't be that hard, then lying in bed watching reruns of The Office for hours on end.

It's been especially difficult this week because two of Annie's sisters also had babies in the last ten days. Healthy babies. "Normal" babies. I'm very happy for them, but deep inside there is a voice that whispers, "I did something wrong. I waited to have Ian until I was too old." I feel like I'm betraying Ian. I apologize to him. "I'm sorry, Ian. I love you just the way you are."

I wish I didn't have these thoughts.

I look around the ICU and watch as other parents sit with their newborn babies. "I'm a better parent than he could ever be," I tell myself when I see a young dad in a muscle T-Shirt try to quiet his baby. I try not to think about it. I read to Ian. He's coming home. Home.


Aunt Bonnie said...

I am so glad Ian is going home with you soon! We love you and think of you and pray for you, and so does our church family and small group.
Aunt Bonnie \o/

Kim Ayres said...

It will be good to get Ian home and start normalising his life.

One of the things I remember when Meg was a baby was the amount I stressed out about the future - was I going to be a good enough dad? How would she cope at school? what would life be like for her when she was grown up? How would things be when her mother & I were no longer there for her? And so on.

The future was a scary place because it was so unknown.

And yet, as each of the major decision points has come and gone, we've coped, and they've rarely been as bad as we feared.

In the end the future will largely take care of itself, and you will be better informed by the time you have to make such decisions.

Right now, your son is a baby and has all the needs that any baby has. He needs to be fed, cuddled and loved.

You can deal with the rest as and when you need to in the future, when you'll be better prepared. You don't have to make all those decisions now.

All you need to be now, is a Father and husband.

And you know how to do that :)

Archie said...

Great to hear Ian may be coming home soon! I remember all of those kinds of thoughts. You did nothing wrong, and you probably are a better dad than that guy...

Leah said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Leah said...

I remember those days well. Angela was in the NICU at Minneapolis childrens for 6 weeks. It seems like forever, and yesterday...all at the same time!

Hang in there, get your little man home, and BREATHE!!!

ps. I deleted my original comment because I thought you were screening them first, and it included my phone number. LOL Please feel free to contact me at

Laurie said...

Gosh, do your thoughts echo mine. This post just really struck home with me.

Thanks for your honesty.