You know it's only a matter of time

See here for the story.

"I'm the king of the world!"

A Joke Too Far

I love dark humor. But my wife's response has got me second guessing my Jerry Lewis comment about Ian. I told her that with a dad like me, Ian is totally going to laugh at my joke someday.

I hope.

Annie burst out laughing when she first read it; I've warped her. Then she said that now she will definitely NEVER give out my blog address to her new group of friends in the DS group. (Or at least not without a warning.)

So was it a Joke Too Far?

Hi all, Annie here... OK, so I laughed really hard at Tom's entry, but it was the kind of laugh that you do whilst covering your face in hopes that no one is watching you laugh!!! ;0)

(Tom here again... I am totally sleeping on the couch tonight.)

Hey, buddy! You just lost a vote!

I have a rule about political bumper stickers and "Jesus fish" emblems.

Don't do it.

I don't care if you're the world's most courteous driver. If you're on the road, you're in my way. A guy in a SUV with a Jesus fish cut me off on my way to getting my 99¢ cheeseburger from Wendys. And no one should come between me and my small vanilla Frosty. Especially not the lady with the peeling 'Gary Hart for President' sticker on the back of her tan Chrysler LeBaron.

I don't know what you're up to these days, Mr. Hart, but that lady cost you a vote.

What's worse than bankruptcy?

I think it may have been Jim Smith's decision to retire in this town and get a part-time job addressing envelopes at this business. (Sorry, I inherited my dad's sense of humor. Thanks, dad.)

I'm out on a video shoot until Tuesday; exciting trip to the middle east. (It all depends on your point-of-reference.) See you next week.

Sounds of sickness

Everyone in our household is sick. We sound like a pack (or is it a "herd") of seals at feeding time on Kodiak Island. All this sickness makes me think of some famous "sick moments" from some of my favorite tv shows:

1. The Simpsons episode where Homer eats an insanely hot pepper and has a hallucination in which he meets a coyote voiced by Johnny Cash. 2. The Seinfeld episode featuring the black and white cookie.Jerry: Uh, I don't feel so good.
Elaine: What's wrong?
Jerry: My stomach, I , I think it was that cookie.
Elaine: The black and white?
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: Not getting along?
Jerry: I think I got David Duke and Fahrikan down there.

3. The episode from The Office where Michael burns his foot when he accidentally steps on his George Foreman grill.
Michael (enters office on crutches and foot wrapped in bubble wrap): Morning everyone. Don't freak out, I forbid anybody to freak out. Clearly I have had a very serious accident, but I will recover, God willing. I just want to be treated normally today, normal would actually be good, considering the trauma that I've been through.

(Later...)

Pam: It's just that before you said you didn't want any special treatment.
Michael Scott: I don't want any special treatment Pam. I just want you to treat me like you would a family member who's undergone some sort of serious physical trauma. I don't think that too much to ask.
Pam: Do you want some aspirin? Because you seem a little fussy.
Michael Scott: No, I don't want some aspirin! Yeah I am fussy! Aspirin is not going to do a damn thing... I'm sitting here with a bloody stump of a foot.

4. The Arrested Development episode where a seal bites off Buster's hand while he's swimming in the ocean.
Lucille: I asked God to take anything from Buster to keep him from going to war.
Michael: Mom, God's not going to answer a call from you.
Gob: I trained the seal to eat cats, and then released him in the ocean.
Michael: OK, you've got a better case than mom does.

5. The M.A.S.H. episode where Hawkeye (Captain Pierce) starts to have a nervous breakdown.
Sherman: I think you could use a few weeks of observation.
Hawkeye: What do you mean, observation. The only thing I want to observe in Tokyo is what a good time I'm having.
Sherman: You need tests...
Hawkeye: Oh, come on!
Sherman: But you have been doing some pretty bizarre things.
Hawkeye: Gee, I don't know why!? I'm only 12,000 miles away from home, sewing people back together who aren't even old enough to shave and a bunch of people I don't know keep dropping bombs on the place where I work which has a big red cross painted on the roof. Maybe I should just hire a band and have the whole thing catered...

Tuesday has no feel

Kramer: What's today?
Newman: It's Thursday.
Kramer: Really? Feels like Tuesday.
Newman: Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel, Friday has a feel, Sunday has a feel....
Kramer: I feel Tuesday and Wednesday...
Jerry: All right, shut up the both of you!

Pink Freud

Who do I look like?

According to this face recognition software, I look like the following celebrities. (Or do they look like me?)

Avoiding work

Am trying to avoid working at this moment, and am succeeding wonderfully. "Smashing" success, to use a common British colloquialism. I'm scanning in more pictures for my "Photos" section (stop by), perusing YouTube (I stumbled across these four British clips; not for the easily miffed or the queasy), and, obviously, blogging.

The British clips reminded me of my outing to see Borat on Thanksgiving Day. Tracy, my sister, told me how much she and her husband laughed while watching Borat. (She also owns the film Se7en, which should have been a red flag.) After the meal, we brother-in-law's and father-in-law all went to see said movie, on my recommendation. Fortunately, my father-in-law slept for much of the film, as my brother-in-law's are no longer speaking to me. (well, they are, but they now question my taste in films; perhaps it was the recent outing to see Mel Gibson's Christmas family film, Apocalypto, that removed any doubts from their minds.)

I suppose, if one is called for, the moral of the story may go something like this: Borat was crude, and Gibson was rude, but rest assured, my sister is no prude.

Dentist

I just got back from a root canal over lunch. Funny how all dentists say the same thing. "This may tingle just a bit. Just lift your hand if it's uncomfortable."

Tingle. Uncomfortable.

That's kind of like the Russian soldier telling Rambo he might feel a tingle when the electricity is turned up.

Feeling my age

I'm a little sore this morning. Last week as we were cleaning out our closets, I stumbled across my old rollerblades. It's been at least ten years since I strapped them on and I only used them a few times at that. Last night was one of those perfect summer nights, the kind when it's still 80 degrees at nine at night and the air is sweet and thick. Under the cover of darkness I went down to our lake, Lake Harriet, and strapped on my blades. I was sure I would remember how to use them, and would be catching air in no time.

I did in fact catch air, just not how I intended to. I had hoped the lake would be deserted, yet it seemed that everyone had the same idea. I landed flat on my gluteous maximus in front of a carload of teenagers. It was a great fall. Feet flying out in front. Hands clutching for the air. I don't know how the teens responded because I was in pain. Yet I kept at it for the better part of an hour, trying to keep a little of my dignity.

Lake Harriet is gorgeous; I love that I can see the city in the background, and one of my favorite fountains is on the east side. My plan is to be able to rollerblade completly around the lake, then make my way through the park to the adjoining Lake Calhoun. After I soak in hot tub for a few hours. And I think I'll wear those wrist guards, too. Rollerblading is fun, but I already broke my wrist once trying to take a ramp my first time snowboarding. I hope I've learned my lesson. Probably not.

Chicken Philosophy III

Let no one say that I show favoritism...

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.

Chicken Philosophy II

We continue to search for the secrets of the universe as the chicken crosses yet another road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

If there's any one man who exemplifies Either/Or thinking, it's President W. In the film The Princess and the Warrior, the protagonist is an ex-soldier who is expertly skilled in fighting and adapting to life-threatening situations. Yet, in the midst of battle, he weeps and continues to fight. His tears do not display weakness; they show us his strength. In the Lord of the Rings films, Aragorn fights for his rightful place as king, yet he does so with a moving combination of conviction and humility.

Are there any leaders in real life who can call us to more while also acknowledging our humanness?

DONALD RUMSFELD: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. Now watch as the F-15...

Chicken Philosophy I

Sometimes a kernel of truth hides in the strangest places. I think that "the chicken crossing the road" jokes may indeed hold the secrets of the universe. Let's explore...

So, why did the chicken cross the road?

DR. PHIL McGRAW: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

Annie likes Dr. Phil; I can't stand him. She likes his "common - sense" approach to relational and existential problem solving. I think he's nothing more than a pragmatist with a flair for the dramatic and an MBA in marketing.

Ok, I'll give a little. Pragmatism can get you part of the way toward becoming that which we were meant to be. It's just that Dr. Phil is so... American in his approach. And not just American; "George W." American. "Take control of your life." "Set goals." "Accomplish... things." "Buck up." "Change your behavior." His counseling advice is little more than a Nike catch phrase, "Just Do it." I imagine that his solution to the current Middle East crisis would be to tell Hezbollah to forget about establishing an Islamic republic. "Listen up, y'all. Sometimes you make the right decision, sometimes you make the decision right."

I think we'll have to continue investigating why that chicken wants to get to the other side of the road.

Smart cities

Seattle, Colorado Springs, and Minneapolis, cities in which I lived, are ranked in the top ten of America's smartest cities. Coincidence? I think not. (Los Angeles, where my brother lives, ranked 42nd. Coincidence? I think not.)

"T-AISVVMARVBPBAVPDADMP-IF"

I suppose if I were Hindu, I would say, "Thank Agni, Indra, Soma, Savitr, Vayu, Varuna, Marutas, Aditya, Rudra, Vishnu, Brahma, Pusha, Brihaspati, Ashwinis, Vishvedavas, Prithvi, Dyaus, Antariksha, Dishas, Moordha, Prajapati it's Friday."

Coldplay plays Lakewood Church?

After taking Silvi to see Coldplay, whenever we stumble across Joel Osteen on tv, she starts to hum "God put a smile upon your face."

Take that, paradox!

That pair 'a ducks ain't going to bother me no more!

With friends like...