Failing in public

As the story goes, debtors during the Medieval ages were forced to sit beneath this statue in Goslar, Germany. With their pants pulled down.

That's kind of how I feel these days: Our family will file for personal bankruptcy protection on Wednesday.

I've gone back and forth as to whether to write about this; it would be so much easier to hide it from others. I decided to go public with this failure - and it is a failure - for a few reasons.

First, I want to be open and truthful in my dialog with others. "Appropriately transparent," as my dad would say. Declaring bankruptcy is a major event in my life, one that shapes me and affects my relationships and those of my family. To deny it's impact would be untruthful and a little deceptive.

Next, I know there are many others who are reading who are in similar financial straits. These last months of surgeries and tests and doctor's visits have hit us hard; these latest bills are the final bursts of rain that have forced the river to flood over the levies. We were bailing water before Ian's medical costs. It's time to put down the pails and move to higher ground. And so I share this so that others who face similar situations will not feel quite alone.

Finally, a shared burden is much easier to carry.

I've never been very good at finances, but that's not why we are where we are. About five years ago, when I lived in Seattle, all my years of moving and loss and depression caught up to me and I was unable - or unwilling - to work for the better part of a year. Months of insomnia and aimless wandering. We lived on credit cards, using them for cash advances and to pay for groceries and rent. I dropped out of the courses I was taking toward getting a Masters degree.

Ever since then, Annie and I have been patching holes in the dike, trying to hold back the flood waters until my new business venture started generating enough for us to pay back our creditors.

I am fortunate. I make my living in the field that I love, creating videos. Sure, there is so much more that I want to do with my talents, but I know that these last twelve years of work have helped turn my hobby into a profession. Some people in my business make a good living, but most of us struggle to make ends meet. I don't plan to change professions any time soon; I do hope to one day be able to provide a little more financial security for Annie and the kids.

I've got the name of a good bankruptcy lawyer from a lawyer friend that I trust.

This isn't quite how I intended to ring in the new year.