Some days I wish I had a remote control that would allow me to fast-forward into the future so that I could skip certain events that are looming in the near future. But, just as the remote at home does not "Mute" me, no matter how hard Annie playfully pushes the button, I don't foresee such a remote making it to the electronic section of Target any day soon.
My readers are probably wishing they had such a remote about now as well. Maybe you could skip ahead and return around April when the snow melts, our bankruptcy is a little red mark on our credit report, and I have discovered a way to perfect myself.
I know that I have this knack for seeing the one crooked picture frame on a museum wall full of masterpieces; that's why I'm a decent video editor. It's all about fixing one video frame at a time. But it can be a bit exhausting hanging around me, especially if you're a "glass is half full, and it's bubbly champagne" type of person.
Anyway, all that to say that I'm struggling to see the sunny side of life these days. "No, not you, Tom!" Yes, I know, hard to believe. I'm starting to have a bit of insomnia again, like I did when I hit the floor in Seattle five years ago. Good thing we have a cap on our current credit cards, I suppose.
I'm writing a lot of this down just for me, so that one day I have a record of it. I wish I could be one of the happy bloggers, the ones that are just glad to have a child, Down syndrome and all, the ones who have "gifts" and "little angels" and where God always seems to be doing good things, like arranging for a parking space close to the grocery store entrance. Oops, that's the book The Secret. And I think Joel Osteen. Sorry. Don't mean to step on any one's toes. See what I mean? Come back in April; I'll upload lots of pictures of blooming flowers, I promise.
Back to this insomnia. It's hit three times in the last two weeks, including last night. Waking up around 2am, watching the Spanish channel or an infomercial on How to clean out your colon and lose weight. (Really.) Then I finally fight back to sleep, only to have those typical stress-induced dreams about drowning, trashing an executive's office or being unable to find an open toilet in a public place to clean the shite (if you're concerned, it's OK to use crude language if you say it with a British accent or in another language; it says so in the Bible, somewhere in the back, I think.) out of your soiled drawers so you're forced to wear a diaper. You know, average dreams. C'mon, you have them; 'fess up.
Yup, could really use that remote control about now.
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14 comments:
I went through that insomnia thing just before Christmas. It lasted 4 nights until I passed out from exhaustion. I know mine is all stress related.
If you get one of those faxt forward buttons I need it bad right away. I have the headache from you know where due to cutting down on my coffee and I have a meeting this afternoon that I am dreading. All I want to do is fast forward to bed time so I can get out of this cold weather.
I'm not saying much, cause there's not much to say. Some times ya just gotta hunker down till the mortars stop.
There's an entry for me I'm too timid to write. I work in a hospital, where one often gets the smell of shite, old people shite, sick people shite. I came home yesterday to another diaper, my 8 year old's, that smell some more. It triggered the thought that this is part of caring, of living, of loving - dealing with the shite. That's the short version. Here's hoping some of it is fertilizer for those spring flowers, man.
I hear you.
And personally, I'd rather hang out with someone who is honest about where they are over those who have only sunny days or only choose to acknowledge sunny days.
Insomnia sucks. I know. so do the torture dreams as I call them, the kind that make you more exhausted upon waking than you did before you fell asleep.
It's a hard time of year.
And all I have to hold onto is that spring does come. Until then, I am grateful to be with those like you.
I could use one of those buttons also. Though I'm afraid if I had one my life would end up being a good deal shorter.
I hope things get better for you very soon.
And by the way, although I haven't found it in the Bible yet, I have always been of the conviction that swearing in other languages in alright.
God bless
Yep, I agree. I prefer you telling it how it is. Doesn't help much but there are lots of us out here listening. BTW - the colon cleansing? I've been a convert for a few years now, you don't lose weight but definately feel better. Ooops - too much information!! Take care chuck!
We've all been there to some extent. My "phase" happened when I went through divorce number two. Down Syndrome is still very new to you, why in the world would you be hopping up and down excited about it, especially if you're prone to depression.
So what can you do about this insomnia thing? Melatonin works great! It's cheap too, only abut $6 for a month's worth. I'm sure as a world traveler you've heard of it being used to fight let lag. If not, drop me a note and I'll give you more info.
In my bad dreams I can't move. I'm stuck and I can't move even though I'm trying very, very hard to move. Or I can't communicate what it is I'm trying to say. This probably says an awful lot about me, huh?
And I like what Leah said. Being ok with Ds takes a long, long time. And even now when I'm mostly good, I still have my dark days. If you're prone to see the glass as half-empty then I think your emotions are right on target.
Just keep moving. You don't even have to move forward, just keep making decisions and hacking away at things. That alone is progress.
THere's something happening here. Looks like I'm in good company as we get bounced around a bit. The picture of life today is not rosey. And I wonder if it ever was or is life itself meant to be rosey. I am convinced depresion is a normal part of a person's life and if listened to, can be a guide towards a healthy life here in this world. I often feel trapped in a world that I never made..
Like I said, sounds like I am in good company
Wanna know what I think? I think that sometimes bitching is a deeply faithful response. The Bible is saturated with it. Read the Psalms. Read Jeremiah. Hell, read Lamentations...they named a book after bitching! It's OK to tell the truth Tom. You don't have to say you're sorry. It lets us know that we're not alone.
I sent out an email to several friends telling them I had "renal" (instead of "retinal") bleeding and would have laser eye surgery to correct it.
Hmmm...I haven't heard from any of them yet.
Mom
p.s. "Renal -- of, in, or pertaining to the kidneys."
Oops. I should have put my comment on renal bleeding on your entry "Easing into the New year."
Mom
GG: Hope the cold is helping you fall asleep faster; I know it does to me. Now if I could just learn how to turn my mind off when I wake at 2am.
Elbog: Thanks, man. Your two metaphors stayed with me yesterday (mortars and fertilizer). And helped.
Isabel: Thanks... I exhaust myself, so anyone who wants to hang out here must be a glutton for punishment. :) Three more months until the cheery - if you can ever truly call me that - makes another appearance.
Andrew: Thanks for popping in. Even though I thought the movie "Click" was a bit lame, I could appreciate it's overarching message. But I still want that remote. :)
Falling down: Nice to have so many others up at the bar with me, listening to me moan into my beer.
And congrats on the clean colon! I looked for a greeting card at Hallmark for you but couldn't find any. :)
Leah: Sorry about your own times of insomnia and divorces. I can only imagine how stressful those days must have been.
I think I've been banned from jumping up and down period. It keeps messing up the earthquake machines over in California.
I fall to sleep like a baby (whatever that means) but wake a 2am and can't... shut... off... my .... brain. Any hints on shutting off your brain?
Anne: Thanks for the encouragement. It was nice to read of your own struggles at the movie theater. Gives me some hope, and I'll take every bit of it these days.
Here's to the day when our dreams are about vacations in the tropics... :)
Brett: You'll have to shoot me an email and get me caught up on what's going on in Seattle. Hope it's not too turbulent.
I agree, about depression being the normal state of affairs. I've yet to meet anyone who hasn't dealt with it on some level. I'm just glad to have others along side who understand.
And I totally get the part about "I often feel trapped in a world that I never made." It's that "thrown - ness" I once wrote about.
Terri: I always appreciate it when others affirm my "bitching." :)
One wonders if Lamentations would have been included in the canon had it been called The Bitchings of the Prophets? Hmmm...
But seriously, appreciate you - and others - just showing up. That's often all that's needed.
Mom: You know you're not supposed to be reading for a few more days, not even blogs! :)
That's hilarious... and what a wonderful world of technology and science we now live in, one where laser eye surgery can correct renal bleeding. :)
Glass half full or half empty? I always liked Gary Larson's take on it :)
Kim: :)
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